Learning, Living, Loving, and Choosing to Survive

If you thought I might be dropping some new, ground-breaking piece of information on you - then prepare to be disappointed. This is not an "aha" moment, but maybe (if only for my own benefit) I need to say it.

Life is not (always) fair and shit happens. 

Events will occur that will destroy your heart. Things could become so terrible that you won't be able to envision yourself making it through and continuing to live a life that contains a chance at happiness. You will be broken to the point of thinking or saying that you are done. Could never love again. Could never try again. Could never recover. Could never repair. That you simply cannot go on. And I think those feelings of initial despair are perfectly normal during crisis - but to let them become a reality, that is a decision. There is a another decision one can make: use the setbacks, heartaches, obstacles, tragedies, etc. to learn a lesson, become stronger, and emerge a better person. 

I know, of course, through experience.

Exactly 2 years ago this Friday, I had the worst day of my life. In a single moment, I felt my entire heart being torn from my chest and tossed somewhere far out of reach. I thought I had done all the right things, in the right order - I had lived a life full of caring for others, showing love, and being a "good" person and now life wasn't giving me back what I had put in (or so I thought at the time). As I said goodbye, I truly never thought I would find happiness again. I chose despair and sadness. I chose mourning and darkness. I became angry with the people that I loved, people that were desperately trying to help me heal. I hid away from almost everyone minus a handful of people. I quit the job that I loved. I chose to shut down. I chose not to survive. 

Then one day I woke up.

I realized what had been given to me. During the time when I felt alone and broken beyond repair, I was SURROUNDED by love. My friends and family were providing me with an abundance of positivity, light, and affection. Almost every person in my life was comforting me and keeping me afloat, loving me when I couldn't even love myself. I saw how fortunate I was. I used the "what now?" feeling to go and work hard towards being what I want. I absorbed that time and chance happen to us all. And it didn't make me bitter and more cynical towards the world - it made me appreciate life. My life and the lives of everyone around me. Through a personal tragedy, I was significantly more aware of love and potential in my life. Not only was there love around and inside me - there was a strength that I had never noticed before. I made it through, I survived - and now I was stronger because of it. Better because of it. 

But... It's not as though that is the "and she lived happily ever after. The end" to this story. The theme of my life (and perhaps everyone's, though I find myself to be particularly good at this) seems to be learning the same lesson, over again, in different ways. 

There have been 3 moments in my life that I remember being so shocked and crushed by a situation that I have lost all strength in my legs and crumbled to the ground. All 3 have happened in the last 2 years - the first being above. And 2 have happened in the last 7 months. 

Recently, I was very angry with myself and the terrible decisions of others. Or, angry with myself being ineffectual against the terrible decisions of others might be a more accurate description. Angry with myself for being naive. For trusting. For caring so goddamn much. Even angry with myself for loving. I had decided to be bitter. Superficially, I've been angry with others for the multitude of wrinkles that have formed on my face in the last 7 months! The sleep I've missed, the peace I've lost. Then on this morning's run (all the really good moments of clarity happen when running or in the shower, am I right?), I realized there was so much I could be learning from this heartache, an opportunity to grow, to progress. Would I rather say I didn't try at all? Never. If nothing else, this season has taught me that love given is never wasted. Energy given is never wasted. Someone may choose not to accept it - but it's not a waste. You can adore and care for someone with all your heart, but sometimes they don't even love themselves. Sometimes they hate themselves. And most of the time, they're the only ones who can undo that. You can't force a desire to succeed onto someone else. They have to make the decision to survive.

I am choosing to live a life where I will never regret the love that I give. I am choosing to grow stronger from this. 

Well, Yeah.

Couldn't get the Weepies out of my head, so this happened. 

Summer Soundtrack 2013

Songs on heavy rotation:

I Love My Job.

4 year old Nannykid asks, "How do people make glue?"

I'm not about to tell him it used to be made out of beautiful, majestic dead horses.

So, I say, "I don't know, bub."

So, he says, "Lets look on the Internet. Make it say 'how do people make glue', then lets look for pictures of dinosaurs."

Good life.

Autumn Tunes

Songs that have been ruling my world this season. <3

The Morning Benders - Excuses. I listen to this song at least twice daily.

The Weeknd - High for This. Probably about drugs, but the beat is mmmhmmm. Also, the cover shows a nipple, so, sorry/you're welcome. 

Exile - I Wanna Kiss You All Over. Guilty pleasure. 

Margot & the Nuclear So and So's - Dress Me Up like a Clown. From one of my favorite rainy-day-albums. 

Albert Hammond Jr. - In Transit. 

Kill it Kid - Pray on Me. This song makes me want to climb things only to jump off of them.

Ellie Goulding - High for This. Covering the Weeknd song from above, one of my favorite female vocalists. Pretty sure she's not even human with a voice like that.

Majesty Crush - Number One Fan. Good ol' 90s shoegaze.

The Weeknd - The Morning. I don't know why I'm so into this guy. R&B is not my usual go-to music, but this album is so haunting and sexy. Also, "got the walls kickin' like they 6 months pregnant" is pretty clever. 

Gardens & Villa - Black Hills

Life After Death.

Megan and DMX on their first date.

On November 14th I received a message that brought my world to a screeching halt. The sister of one of my high school best friends wrote to notify me that she had passed away quite unexpectedly. 

My friend Megan is gone. I suppose the world didn't stop after all, but I certainly did. The world kept going whether I was capable of following suit or not. It tends to do that. Each day I had the same responsibilities and obligations as usual - and all I could do was try my best to keep them. In retrospect, I was going through the motions underwater. Floating. Sinking. Grasping. Like the dreams where you try to sprint away from danger, but you're running through molasses. Somehow outside the laws of gravity. Having intensely awkward social interactions with those around me - most likely appearing to be stupid and crazy. That's what pain does. 

“Pain is strange. A cat killing a bird, a car accident, a fire.... Pain arrives, BANG, and there it is, it sits on you. It's real. And to anybody watching, you look foolish. Like you've suddenly become an idiot. There's no cure for it unless you know somebody who understands how you feel, and knows how to help." - Bukowski 

The last time I saw her was Thanksgiving three years ago. It was the worst trip back home that I have ever had, but she was my savior. She was regularly the silver lining of any trip to Kansas, always driving over three hours from Lawrence to come see me and get into just the right amount of Midwest trouble together. Despite the circumstances, our last weekend together was a great one. We spent hours in thrift stores - she bought me a little boy's polo shirt and a pink, vintage brooch (fortunately, I still have both). We went to seedy, dark bars and chain smoked Camel Reds (inside, because it's the Midwest and whatnot). I hadn't even smoked in over 5 years - yet, somehow, I always picked it right back up when we were together and quit as soon as I boarded the plane back home. We ran into acquaintances from high school at one bar and ended up going back to one of their houses after the bar had closed to play cards. When the homeowner fell asleep, Megs and I hid all of his throw pillows and shoes in random places around the house before we left to go tiptoe back into her parent's home. She was my ultimate partner in crime. Never causing any real "trouble", but quite a bit of mischief. 

While flying back home for her funeral, I listened to the song "Hallelujah" as sang by Jeff Buckley. WHY I do these things to myself, listening to incredibly sad songs when I'm already heartbroken, I will never know. But my soul smiled as he sang the lines: 

"Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you

She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah"

When I was home in March of 2007 Megan came down to see me, as usual. She laid sheets down in her parents kitchen and cut my hair for me. Her parents sat with us and we shared stories and beer (well, we all shared stories, they supplied the beer) as she cut inches of hair off into one of my best post-break-up 'dos. She brightened my life and helped heal my heart. Ironically, "Hallelujah" ended up being played at her funeral. 

She was such a shining presence wherever she went - no one can deny that. Definitely a lighthouse in my darkness. Her sweet personality, style, and talent in high school transformed into a beautiful, tattooed (seriously covered in some of my favorite tattoos - Kansas state seal and John Wayne, just to name a couple) woman with fantastic hair and clothes in adulthood. With each passing year, she seemed to become more wonderful, creative, and fun than the last time I saw her.

I think few people have the blessing/curse of knowing when their last encounter with someone will be. I certainly had no idea that our days together were numbered in such a way. I wish I had tried harder this last year to be a better friend. To force a weekend with one another. To call despite my intense hatred of talking to people on the phone. She was living close enough for me to drive and see her and I didn't put enough effort forth to make that happen. I don't think I am ready to process those thoughts. Maybe another time.

We have so many great memories, and I feel compelled to tell them all to the world - but that would take a good amount of time and I'm sure most people, while kind and sensitive to the situation, have little desire to hear every single one. 

So, here I am, three weeks later - finally making my way through these emotions and putting them into (poorly written) words. Megan was one of the best friends I have ever had. There through it all. One of the few people who knew everything about me, my mistakes and fears, and loved me regardless. And I loved her very, very much. And my world will not be the same without her. I know how lucky I am, though. I'll always feel as if I won the friendship lottery to have known her.

An Ode to Wilco

Sometimes I forget how much I love a certain band. This morning I've been listening to Wilco while studying and consuming entirely too much caffeine and I'm reminded of what an amazing group they are. Here are some of my favorite Wilco songs. Enjoy.