Life is not (always) fair and shit happens.
Events will occur that will destroy your heart. Things could become so terrible that you won't be able to envision yourself making it through and continuing to live a life that contains a chance at happiness. You will be broken to the point of thinking or saying that you are done. Could never love again. Could never try again. Could never recover. Could never repair. That you simply cannot go on. And I think those feelings of initial despair are perfectly normal during crisis - but to let them become a reality, that is a decision. There is a another decision one can make: use the setbacks, heartaches, obstacles, tragedies, etc. to learn a lesson, become stronger, and emerge a better person.
I know, of course, through experience.
Exactly 2 years ago this Friday, I had the worst day of my life. In a single moment, I felt my entire heart being torn from my chest and tossed somewhere far out of reach. I thought I had done all the right things, in the right order - I had lived a life full of caring for others, showing love, and being a "good" person and now life wasn't giving me back what I had put in (or so I thought at the time). As I said goodbye, I truly never thought I would find happiness again. I chose despair and sadness. I chose mourning and darkness. I became angry with the people that I loved, people that were desperately trying to help me heal. I hid away from almost everyone minus a handful of people. I quit the job that I loved. I chose to shut down. I chose not to survive.
Then one day I woke up.
I realized what had been given to me. During the time when I felt alone and broken beyond repair, I was SURROUNDED by love. My friends and family were providing me with an abundance of positivity, light, and affection. Almost every person in my life was comforting me and keeping me afloat, loving me when I couldn't even love myself. I saw how fortunate I was. I used the "what now?" feeling to go and work hard towards being what I want. I absorbed that time and chance happen to us all. And it didn't make me bitter and more cynical towards the world - it made me appreciate life. My life and the lives of everyone around me. Through a personal tragedy, I was significantly more aware of love and potential in my life. Not only was there love around and inside me - there was a strength that I had never noticed before. I made it through, I survived - and now I was stronger because of it. Better because of it.
But... It's not as though that is the "and she lived happily ever after. The end" to this story. The theme of my life (and perhaps everyone's, though I find myself to be particularly good at this) seems to be learning the same lesson, over again, in different ways.
There have been 3 moments in my life that I remember being so shocked and crushed by a situation that I have lost all strength in my legs and crumbled to the ground. All 3 have happened in the last 2 years - the first being above. And 2 have happened in the last 7 months.
Recently, I was very angry with myself and the terrible decisions of others. Or, angry with myself being ineffectual against the terrible decisions of others might be a more accurate description. Angry with myself for being naive. For trusting. For caring so goddamn much. Even angry with myself for loving. I had decided to be bitter. Superficially, I've been angry with others for the multitude of wrinkles that have formed on my face in the last 7 months! The sleep I've missed, the peace I've lost. Then on this morning's run (all the really good moments of clarity happen when running or in the shower, am I right?), I realized there was so much I could be learning from this heartache, an opportunity to grow, to progress. Would I rather say I didn't try at all? Never. If nothing else, this season has taught me that love given is never wasted. Energy given is never wasted. Someone may choose not to accept it - but it's not a waste. You can adore and care for someone with all your heart, but sometimes they don't even love themselves. Sometimes they hate themselves. And most of the time, they're the only ones who can undo that. You can't force a desire to succeed onto someone else. They have to make the decision to survive.
I am choosing to live a life where I will never regret the love that I give. I am choosing to grow stronger from this.
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